As many of you know, I am one of the few southern folk on the site. This being the case, I am of course taking the brunt of the hurricane with my fellow natives as this article is being conceived. I figured, “Hey, instead of using the storm as an excuse to not write for a week, use it as a bit of inspiration.” So, that is what I shall do.

“Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, cuz this storm floodin’ err’body out here!”

Now, I’m sitting next to my window as it is being pounded by wind and rain. To get into writing mode, I think about how things would be different were this occurring in the region of Johto (it’s my favorite region, deal with it). If that was the case, there would be a creature whose very existence banked on the fact that its job is to calm storms when they become too vicious. This is of course a vague reference to Lugia, the King of the Sea.

Everyone knows that Lugia is one of the sleekest looking legendary Pokémon. He doesn’t boast the sharp design cue like Groudon, he doesn’t embrace a unique color scheme like Ho-Oh, nor does he adopt a phallic nature like Palkia. He’s very suave, simply colored, and bad ass. In a lot of ways, I believe he was designed to contrast Ho-Oh, or vice versa (I know, obvious statement). But what if he didn’t always look like molted dragon bird? What if he too was covered in multi-toned feathers like Ho-oh at one point in time?

Oh, the power of fan art.

Any fan of Generation 2 knows of Ecruteak City, home of the fourth gym in Johto. Fans should also remember the two towers located in this city, the Bell Tower and the Burned Tower. The Bell Tower is, of course, famous for being the home of Ho-Oh. Once a player had reached a certain point in the game, he/she could have an encounter with the legendary Pokémon as it perched atop the Bell Tower. But, more interesting than the encounter itself are the legends that surround the city.

Apparently, there was a point in time when the Burned Tower was once referred to as the Brass Tower. And this tower was home to its own legendary Pokémon, the Legendary Beasts. These Beasts are Raikou, Entei, and Suicune, an electric type, a fire type, and a water type, respectively. But, there was another. One legendary bird perched at the height of this tower just as Ho-Oh did. And that was Lugia. 150 years before the events of the games, the Brass Tower was burned to a fraction of its original size. In the fire, the three Beasts perished and Lugia was forced to flee. Ho-Oh would later come and restore life to the Beasts and lay them to sleep. But, what if Lugia didn’t escape as easily as we had believed?

“Look daddy, Lugia’s using Sky Attack!”
“Oh God, Jessica look away!!!”

What if Lugia had actually been set ablaze and had flown away in panic? From there, Lugia dove into the sea to douse the flames. But it was too late. His coat of feathers had been burned away just as the many floors of the tower had. Having been so brutally scarred by the event, Lugia decided to make his home within the Whirl Islands. From then on, it became the protector of the sea, guiding wayward ships to safety and all that jazz. There is some conflict to the mythology though, some say that Lugia has always lived in the Whirl Islands and others say that he made his home there after the events in Ecruteak.

He totally just realized that he was naked.

I find this interesting because it would certainly explain the stark contrast between Ho-Oh and Lugia. It would also explain why Lugia is part Psychic and not part Water type. Regardless of where his origins lie, it is truly an intriguing thing to consider. Just imagine how different the tone of the games would become if Nintendo would embrace this hidden mythology in the Pokémon world.

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You know, it occurs to me, as I sit on this bench in the pseudo food court of this fine University, a lady on each arm, typing this article, that my life is taking interesting turns as of recent. It will be tougher, no doubt, to churn out these articles week after week now that I am setting out on this vast new patch in the field known as life. So don’t judge if either the subjects become sketchy or if they falter in being a consistent length every week. This is purely on a week to week basis. So, the more spare time I have each week, the lengthier and better overall it shall be. The point I’m trying to get across here is… You may or may not get slightly less per week, AND YOU WILL LIKE IT. Also, the statement about the ladies was a total fabrication, my bad.

Well, enough jibber jabber, I actually did manage to find a topic for this ever narrowing subject field. Whether or not it is a good one is for the internet folks to decide. So this thing is pretty much boned. But, anyway, remember that kook who, for the longest time, lived north of Cerulean? Or perhaps you better know him as the Goldenrod native who fixed the time machine and made that ridiculously tedious Pokémon storage system. Either way his name is Bill and if you don’t remember him, then you had no childhood. Or maybe you’re just not the target age demographic.

How and why are you reading this?!

Most of us will remember him for giving the S.S. Ticket to young boys (and girls if you’re a 3^rd Gen player). He also fused himself with a friggin’ Pokémon, so clearly he had some strange hobbies on the side. His most pivotal role in the world was, as previously mentioned, creating the first and extremely archaic version of the Pokémon storage system. But, did you know that he may have also been a member of the original Pokémafia, Team Rocket?

Everyone has his or her fetishes, I suppose.

The evidence lies more with the anime than with the games sadly. But, that’s not to say that there aren’t some insignificant pieces of information that I can bend to suit my needs. I’ll start with the small stuff and finish strong. The first tidbit lies with Mt. Moon, the very first place where you encounter Team Rocket. They are there to steal the fossils being dug up within its caverns by greedy, antisocial nerds. You end up defeating them and finding a fossil for yourself. When you reach the next town, you soon come upon the odd man, Bill. He’s in quite a pickle, seeing as how he’s fused himself with a Pokémon while working on a device that has the ability to transport the little creatures, possibly humans as well. In the game, it appears to be a Clefairy he has fused with, but in the anime it is suggested that he was working with a Kabuto. Kabuto is of course a fossil Pokémon, which is what Team Rocket was after. And he was working on a way to transport it in a way that wasn’t related to the PC Storage System. Was it possibly a direct line to Giovanni’s facility? Perhaps the storage system itself was conceived as a way to steal the region’s Pokémon.

Never trust a flamboyant man with green hair in an animal costume who offers you a ticket for a cruise that never returns.

Other points of interest revolve around the places where he settles down to live. Just southwest of his original home on route 25, there is Nugget Bridge. In the Gen 1 games, Red/Blue, this is where Team Rocket goes to recruit new members. You’d think that such a prestigious member of the Pokémon community would make a fuss about criminal syndicate setting up shop near his home. And it doesn’t end there; Team Rocket launches an all-out invasion on Goldenrod City, his current place of residence. Bill is just a magnet to criminals. This is sort of like how Magnemite is a magnet to… well, he is a magnet.

Hm, more polite than the mafias I usually deal with.

The biggest piece of the puzzle actually lies with something as simple as the architecture of Bill’s light house home on the anime.

            That is Mewtwo, on his damn door. Mewtwo was the pet project funded by Giovanni, the leader of Team Rocket, in order to create the most powerful Pokémon in the world, a project which, as most of us know, backfired tremendously. Was Bill part of the team that created him? Or was he simply an advisor? Mewtwo was a project that was in the works for a long time and was grown from infancy (albeit with accelerated growth).  This easily fills the roughly 40 episode gap between when Mewtwo was seen on the door and when Giovanni first used him in battle against Gary, before his escape.  Plus it is so blatant. Why else would he display an unknown Pokémon on his door? It was perhaps an act of narcissism, as if to say, “Hey, look at this badass death machine that I had a hand in creating.”

Verdict: It pains me to use this copout of an answer again. But, this is myth is neither confirmed nor denied. It’s certainly an odd accusation, but it is possible. However, I’d say that it is fairly unlikely.

Another question, what kind of Pokémon expert can’t recognize a goddamn Dragonite?

Heads up: This article is about the trials and tribulations of finding Mew and Celebi. But, it does go into rant territory. You have been warned.

There’s something about things that are elusive in nature. The “one that got away” mentality is one of those things that pushes us to our limits and then makes us leap over those limits emphatically. Who can say that they never had genuine interest in the Loch Ness Monster? What about UFO’s? It’s fueled by the same thing that keeps people scouring for the winning lottery ticket, or keeps you in search of a spouse that’s every bit as geeky as you. This mental petroleum is called hope. Your hopes, your aspirations, they keep you chugging along (i.e., the same thing that drives you to reach McDonald’s before the 10:45 a.m. breakfast deadline).

Dude, I’m five minutes late, just give me a leftover McGriddle or something.

There is a point when your dreams are built up and you develop immeasurable expectations. But, what happens when all of those expectations are for naught? How about when those expectations are not only let down, but they metaphorically turn around and sucker punch you in the gullet? Well, that’s what it was like to be a child in the pre-internet era. We were dumb in grade school. We ran around the playground like chickens with our heads cut off, spewing rumors and garbage, especially about games. And one of the biggest offenders was Pokémon. Because of its legendary creatures (Mew and Celebi specifically), the franchise became infamous amongst the younglings as being perhaps the most misleading game ever created.

The truth is that the fault didn’t rest with the games themselves, for the most part. But it was the fault of all of the kids who wanted attention or were seeking the approval of all of their pals. I won’t completely address those jackasses just yet. What I will address is the first huge step towards fantasizing the games even more than they already were. And this was brought on by the developers through the placement of one simple little sprite.

And so we meet again.

Yep, there it is. The truck has returned. By simply trading over a Pokémon that has learned Cut, you could completely circumvent the S.S. Anne side quest. This means that the ship would remain permanently docked. And, by extension, the dock what also remain accessible for the remainder of the journey. Surfing to the right of the dock would bring you to a patch of land, home to one wayward truck. Contrary to popular belief, you could do nothing to this truck. It was just there, it served no purpose. But, some people just couldn’t accept that. Kids began creating their own mythos for the truck, which ultimately culminated in the rumor that the much-coveted legend, Mew, was hidden beneath its chassis. A truck was even placed in the Generation 3 remakes to mimic this occurrence.

Some wounds never heal.

But, it wasn’t there. Nor was it in any other location in the game. Mew was the elusive unicorn to many a young nerd. It was forever out of our reach and there was nothing we could do about it. I myself remember one day in particular at summer camp. This one slightly older kid told me that you could summon a wild Mew by reading the signs on Cycling Road, but only on Blue Version. This, of course, was total poppycock. But being that he was older (and therefore above me on the nerd hierarchy), I took every word he uttered as no less than gospel. Alas, I returned home and tried this “trick” to no avail. I therefore hung up my Mew hunting net and drudged on, believing that there was no way to get that legendary creature outside of using cheats. It wasn’t until about seven or so years later that I found a peculiar video on YouTube. It documented a glitch in Red Version. It was the Mew glitch, a way to get Mew legitimately within the game’s parameters. That’s right, you didn’t need cheats. So, I popped my used up red cartridge into my red Gameboy Advance SP (my handheld of choice at the time). I was skeptical at first, but after reaching the point of the glitch, I was rewarded for my efforts and I managed to capture it, finally. I played through the entire game, crushing all opposition along the way with the most adorable little bundle of death the world had ever seen.

Though, now that I think about it, we never did sweep the bottom of the rivers.

But, the story doesn’t end there. Needless to say, after the success of the first games, Nintendo was quick to get the sequels shipped over to America as soon as possible. This new generation brought with it 100 new Pokémon. But, one of them was a small Psychic legendary, like Mew, named Celebi. Now, being that I actually played Gold and Silver before Red and Blue, I encountered this conundrum first. But I’m going in the order that is easiest to embrace for most people. Anyway, that Celebi was yet another creature that constantly eluded us as kids. But it wouldn’t elude you in the way that a wandering legendary Pokémon would. The odds are that, as a child, you never once encountered a Celebi. This was another case were these bullshit stories were passed around. One, in particular, detailed the creature showing up at random intervals at the Ilex Forest Shrine. Though, whereas the Mew rumors were complete lies, these new ones were partially true.

It may not look it, but this is the epitome of an exciting tourist attraction.

“Partially” is the key word here. The shrine would host Celebi, but you could only activate the event through the use of the GS Ball. So where is the problem? Why didn’t I just get the GS Ball? Well, it was ONLY released in Japan. So, we citizens outside of Japan got the shaft, big time. Over the next several years, there would be several Nintendo events where the Pokémon was distributed. But as kids, those events were not easily accessible for us, I had never even heard of a Celebi distribution until the recent GameStop event (And by recent, I mean two years ago). But really now, did they expect us all to figure these things out? The internet was not prominent yet and not everyone was subscribed to every Nintendo-related magazine. And with no glitch to obtain it with, the years were unkind to my Gold, Silver, and Crystal Pokédex’s.

Finding the Ark of the Covenant would be child’s play in comparison.

            These two legendary Pokémon have been made more readily available in more recent years. There have obviously been numerous events and in-game rewards to distribute these legends to the public. The more modern equivalents of these first Psychic legends have not faced anywhere near as much adversity in their attempts at reaching the public. The tactics used to obtain them are still often tedious. But, through use of the internet, we know exactly how to get them.

The Hulkster challenges YOU to get your lazy ass to the nearest GameStop.

Verdict 1(Mew): Available legitimately in-game through abuse of the glitch. But, it is certainly not under the truck.

Verdict 2(Celebi): Not available legitimately in-game.