Welp, no new news this week, but I have an idea for an interesting article I could write….

 

Welcome back to the fifth issue of “The Du-Rant” with me, Viger! Time for me to go off the rails once more when it comes to the Pokemon series.

 

Now what could I talk about this time? I want to do something involving Sun and Moon, but nothing that we have covered yet here on PUCL. Wait……I know! I’m gonna talk about this little devil.

And I’m not using that “little devil” title lightly. The Alolan Pokedex is just…….evil. Not the Rotom inside it, but the entries that lie deep in its circuits. Never has a Pokedex ever contained such dark, sinister, and messed up entries, and you would think that the Pokedex wouldn’t get any darker. But wait till you see the stuff this thing spouts out about your favorite pocket monsters. So let’s take a look at just some of the many evil entries this little monster holds.

1. Metapod

Metapod? Really? Its a cocoon Pokemon. It evolves into Butterfree just like how a caterpillar transforms into a butterfly. What could be so messed up about Metapod’s Pokedex entry? Well…..

Its shell is filled with its soft innards. It doesn’t move much because of the risk it might carelessly spill its innards out.

That eye isn’t the gaze of a Pokemon thinking about nothing much, its the gaze of a Pokemon in constant fear of spilling all its guts out. For such a simple looking Pokemon, the stress is just unimaginable.

 

2. Primeape

And next we got that very angry pig-monkey that we all know and love. Well let’s take a closer look at all that anger….

It has been known to become so angry that it dies as a result. Its face looks peaceful in death however.

Holy geez dude! This thing can literally die from getting too angry!? And only the sweet embrace of death can calm it down!? What is wrong with this Dex? How can they be so savage to these lovable creatures?

 

3. Glalie

My favorite Ice-Type Pokemon, the Face Pokemon itself. But where does that face come from? Well, the Alolan Pokedex tells us EXACTLY where it comes from.

Legend says a boulder on an icy mountain absorbed the distress and regrets of a mountaineer, giving rise to Glalie.

Guess Glalie should be given a Ghost Typing before evolving into Froslass. But good lord, that isn’t the face of a Pokemon ready to fight. That’s the face of a man on death’s door, given new life with a cold, icy breath, and frozen in that expression for the rest of the Pokemon’s life. I won’t be able to look at “Frostbite” the same way again.

 

4. Sliggoo

The middle evolution of Kalos’ Psuedo-Legendary Pokemon, Sliggoo is a Dragon-Type nobody saw coming, and fell in love with. But according to the Alolan Pokedex, loving it too much could bring about your own demise.

It has trouble drawing a line between friends and food. It will calmly try to melt and eat even those it gets along well with.

Are you friend, or are you food? Sliggoo can’t seem to tell the different sometimes. THAT IS JUST TERRIFYING!

 

5. Cubone (and Mandibuzz to a degree)

And the grand-daddy of all depressing and messed up Pokedex entries. You wouldn’t think that the Alolan Pokedex would make this little guy any more depressing. And with that thought, you are wrong. So…..so…..wrong……

When it thinks of its deceased mother, it weeps loudly. Mandibuzz that hear its cries will attack it from the air.

Alright Pokemon Company. Real talk. Why do you hate Cubone? First you take its mother, then you have a vulture hunt it by the sound of it mourning its mother. Give Cubone a break will ya?

 

Seriously, I could go on for a long time. There are so many messed up entries within the Alolan Pokedex, I could be here for a good while. But I’m going to end it here. In the comments below, which entry in the Alolan Pokedex do you think is the most messed up? I’d love to hear back from you guys.

And with that, I’ll see you guys when I see you guys.