Hello, my dear PUCLonians, and welcome back to The Fluff! After Thatch said my article was “terrible” last week (#roastThatch), I’ve decided, along with Snag, to do the most beautiful article I possibly could. In order to achieve that, I shall be describing the best ever Pokémon game… which doesn’t (quite) exist. I will be taking the best elements from all the previous games and put them together, to obtain the one perfect Pokémon game!
You call that “beautiful”, I call it “what Dr. Frankenstein did”. Gross.
Shut up, Whimsicott.
Welcome to the world of Pokémon! The Professor who would be giving you this warm, traditional welcome simply has to be Professor Sycamore.
Are you just saying that ’cause he’s hot?
No! If that was all he had going for him, I definitely would have picked Professor Oak. He’s such a classic. What I really like about Sycamore is the philosophy he teaches his pupils: he always says everyone is different and that we should be understanding and accepting of those differences, and that you shouldn’t strive to be like everyone else or better than them at what they do, but to do your best at what you think is important. I really like that.
As for the starters he should be giving out, I’m going with Snivy, because Smugleaf rocks (#highfivingSublime), Torchic, because he’s the cutest of them all, and Froakie, because Greninja is Greninja.
You think Torchic is the cutest starter?
Well… yes. Look at its animations in Gen VI. It’s the most adorable thing ever.
You are so fired from the Grass type fan club.
Whatever. There’s one last important thing about the start of the game. The Trainer character! My favorite designs are Hilda and Hilbert, so let’s go with them. Or let’s be them, I guess.
The region you’d find stepping out of the Professor’s Lab is Kalos, of course: so much variety! Although the map would be laid out more like Kanto’s, instead of having you go in one giant circle, which was quite boring when you stop to think about it.
I don’t think circular regions are all that bad.
Gee, I wonder why, Miss Unova. But of course, a very important part of a Trainer’s journey are the Pokémon they can meet and the opponents they are going to face. So, I think Kalos has a great variety of Pokémon, but of course I’d have to add in the chance to find wild Cottonee, and possibly even Whimsicott, like in Unova, or it’s no fun at all.
As for your opponents… well. The Kanto Gym Leaders are surely the most memorable (although that is probably partly due to overexposure); I’d pick them, but with a mix of their Gen I an Gen II lineup: Koga in Fuchsia City, Green/Blue/Whatever in Viridian City. For the Elite Four, I’d go with Lance, Karen, Phoebe and Caitlin, as they’re the most interesting characters with the most interesting teams. (Except maybe for Lance having two Dragonite, but hey, what’s an Elite Four without Lance?)
Well, a Dark or Bug type would tear clean through two of them, but I see your point.
And then we come to the most significant opponent of them all.
Oh, dear, no. The rival. And you know there’s only one I can pick: our baby, N!
Wait, does N count as your rival? I thought those were Cheren and Bianca in Unova.
Er… he totally counts in my ideal game, all right? He beats the Champion before you, and of course the Champion is-
Steven Stone, we know, we know.
Uhm… well, that would probably be it, but Locke (thank you, buddy!) gave me another amazing idea and I have to put it out here. Remember the “champ in the making” guy? The one who gives you information and cheers you on before and after every Gym?
What if he was actually secretly the Champion? No one would see it coming! And you’d have this guy who’s been supporting you all the way, telling you that you can be the Champion, even though that would mean beating him! I mean, how much nicer can you get? I imagine him a bit like Red, waiting for someone of his own caliber to challenge, only, instead of going to sulk on a mountain, he takes a proactive approach to it, spurring promising Trainers on to improve and beat the League.
Huh. That would actually be really, really interesting.
Right? But if I had to only stick to pre-existing elements, I’d of course get Steven as the Champion.
You said N beats the Champion before you. So there would be a scene where you meet them both together?
Does the warranty on your new 3DS cover drool-related damage? Because that would be a serious issue.
Oh, shush! Although… now that you mention it… Wallace would have to be there with Steve, too, of course… and how about a grown-up Wally… Ahem! Let’s move on, or the drool-related damage will happen for real, to my laptop. Where were we… ah, yes. A game needs another thing.
The Bad Guys
So, this one is kind of hard. Team Rocket ticks me off more than anything in the world (those poor Slowpoke!!!), so beating them is the ultimate satisfaction. But N functions better in a plot with Team Plasma, which is also an extremely interesting opponent. But Team Aqua is so much fun…
So? What will it be?
Well, while Team Plasma hiring Rocket grunts and making them dress like pirates would be hilarious, I’m going to go with Team Plasma… with elements of both sets of Gen V games. Giant freeze-ray airship, here I come! And of course, the Shadow Triad should have a nice part. Because everything is better with ninjas.
As for what the evil team is after… well, Reshiram and Zekrom have some of my favorite lore, and they don’t go too well without each other, but I love Reshiram and go “meh” when faced with Zekrom. So guess what? Reshiram and Xerneas don’t look half bad together. And to go along with them, we need a trio. Once again, my favorite story pertains to the Legendary Beasts, but I’m only really attached to Suicune out of them all. So Let’s say… Suicune, Articuno and Azelf.
Gee, I bet everyone is wondering what your favorite color could possibly be.
Then, of course, we’d need Mythical Pokémon. First of all, any Mythical Pokémon should be met in a subplot, and not just dropped off at the Pokémon Center for you, because that’s just dreadfully dull. The ones I’d want are… well… a ton of them: Mew, Celebi and Jirachi, for sure. But I wouldn’t say no to Shaymin and Victini, you know.
Why do I have the feeling your 20th Anniversary plush collection is not done yet?
Er… I’m sure I don’t want Darkrai. Or Arceus. Or Genesect.
Buy me food now, before you run out of money.
And here we go, because you can’t have a good game without good details. First off, since I’m going for ideal, yes, let’s say it: Pokémon following you. But you’d have to be able to toggle that on and off. And speaking of toggling, it would, of course, have the auto-running-shoes button, because walking is for people who have time on their hands.
Then I’d throw in the DexNav and the Poké Radar, but I’d bring the full-odds shiny rate back to where it was before… leaving untouched the end results for all the ways to improve those odds, though (as in, you still only have a 1 in 8192 chance to meet a shiny randomly, but the Masuda Method + Shiny Charm chance is still 1/512. This would be just because I’d want my first random shiny to count as much as it would have if I had gotten it earlier, but I wouldn’t make it harder to actually hunt for shinies.
You are a total weirdo.
I know. It’s the principle of the thing. Anyway… you’d need Pokémon Amie and the Super Training, of course, and the Eon Flute was a great idea, let’s put that one in, too. And of course, you simply must have character customization!
It’s starting to be a pretty tall order…
Nah, it’s fine. This game is all a theoretical construct, after all. Oh! And I’d wand the new Exp. Share, but the game would have to be way harder, like in the first few Gens. And Apricorns and Apricorn Balls, of course! And Berry Planters! And-
I think you can stop here. It’s beginning to be all the previous games in one… I’m sure that wasn’t quite the point.
All right. I’m sure there are things I should have mentioned and I forgot, but that’s what the comments are for! What would have been your picks? Are there other things your ideal game would have? Let me know, and don’t forget to check out Snag’s ideal game in his Anything Goes article tomorrow!
Until next time,
The Fluffiest Whimsicott