Hello, my dear PUCLonians, and welcome to a… peculiar edition of The Fluff. Snag asked me a very strange and specific question: which Pokémon team would I pick to face a zombie apocalypse? My first thought was: “Kill it! Kill it with FIRE!” (Well, actually, my first thought was: “Ewww,” but you get my point.) But then Locke and other people in the writers’ chat started pointing out more… practical concerns. Such as, you know, food and whatnot. And thus this ultimate zombie apocalypse team was born! Please note that the only zombie movie I’ve ever seen is Shaun of the Dead, so I’m assuming zombies work like they do in that one (which, from what I understand, is very classical in its approach to the finer points of zombietude).
Yes, Charizard would be a classic even in this situation. The ability to shoot Flamethrowers while razing the ground in flight is, in my opinion, paramount when facing zombies. And have I mentioned flight? Unlike most of you tall boy people, I’m actually smaller than a Charizard, so it could easily carry me (and my Poké Balls) around well above most of the danger. I had honestly given some thought to having an all-flying team for this, but as long as Poké Balls are working, it’s really unnecessary.
Or as long as there is a decent breeze, right?
Uh… Whimsicott… you’re actually not on this team.
I considered you! I did! Because you can infiltrate places and slow things down and all that… but in an apocalypse, I’d probably just smash windows in if I really needed to. I’m sorry. I wouldn’t leave you behind or anything! But this is a strategical thought exercise.
Bah. What does Charizard have that I don’t?
Besides the fact that it can carry me aloft and shoot flames? It can keep me warm and cook my food, it can light the way, and it is rather intimidating. I’ll admit, orange isn’t the stealthiest color around, but I do have a shiny one, so, technically, I could go with black. Charizard is definitely my first pick.
Speaking of food, Chansey was brought up in the chat, and yes, it is absolutely a must. Chansey can heal you, and provide sustenance with its amazing eggs. It can fix absolutely anything, and with Natural Cure, I’m assuming it might be harder to zombify than most other Pokémon. Chansey seems slow, but the Pokédex clearly states it can run away really fast if it needs to, so that is another plus.
Well, I guess I can’t argue with Chansey’s usefulness.
Exactly. Every adventuring party needs a Cleric, after all. And Chansey is reliable and actually likes being the official group nurse, so it’s a win-win. And if there is evan a chance of curing Zombietude, I’m sure Chansey would be the Pokémon to help you find and deliver it. You’d probably have to keep Chansey well-hidden from everyone else, though, as its usefulness and rarity would make it a prime target for people who’d like to kidnap it for their own use.
Who would do such a horrible thing?
Hey, it’s an apocalypse, remember? All bets are off.
This is going to seem like a weird one. Still about food, someone mentioned in the chat that Tropius grows bananas, which is pretty great. It also flies, and is a giant banana tree dinosaur, which to me is a win in all situations. But Tropius grows its fruit only twice a year, so I figured, might as well get some other Pokémon with Tropius’s real game-changing Ability: Harvest! With Harvest, whatever Berry you find, you can rather easily multiply, and Exeggutor brings something extra to the table. First off, look at it: it has three heads, facing three different ways. The Pokédex says the heads are independent, but never squabble. So you essentially have a telepathic sentinel with an effective 360° field of vision. Not bad, uh?
Well, when you say it like that, I can almost forgive you for me not being your Grass type.
And there’s more! Zombietude (I know that’s not a word, but I’m sticking with it) is blatantly a disease. Which, translated into Pokémon terms, means the closest thing to it would be the Poison type. So, a) that’s a great reason not to have a Whimsicott on the team, and b), Exeggutor is a Psychic type with a base 125 Special Attack. Feel the wrath of my coconut tree, zombies!
And for when all cures fail, fire and Psychic attacks are not enough, and you just need to start hacking zombies to pieces, heeere’s Scyther! I’m pretty sure its blades are self-explanatory. Scyther is fast and stealthy like a ninja, as per the Pokédex, it can fly, it has great base Speed and Attack… Scyther is the perfect zombie-chopping machine. Plus, its scythes can apparently cut through solid objects, too, thus making it useful as a urban machete of sorts.
This apocalypse thing is bringing out stuff in you. Stuff I’m not sure I like.
What? I’m just being practical. Scyther, as we were saying, can hide and move unseen, a factor this team was sorely lacking so far. (I can move quietly enough, but if the apocalypse strikes on any given day, the chance of me not being caught wearing bright, cheery colors is dreadfully slim. And let’s not even mention my speed, or lack thereof.) Scyther does sport a pretty bright green, but if you’re too fast to be seen, color is not an issue. Hence why I picked it over Bisharp (which also glints in the light, another stealth no-no).
Of course, in any apocalypse, power is a commodity not everyone can afford. So an Electric type will be a staple of most teams… but Rotom, in my opinion, brings something extra to the table. Not only can it power up lights, radios, computers, TVs and all that… it can also inhabit cars, trucks, planes, chainsaws…
Again, Whimsicott, apocalypse. And what Rotom does that other Electrical types don’t is… operate all those things for you! Suppose you can’t drive a truck, or pilot a plane, or handle that chainsaw. Rotom will jump into it and do that for you!
Speaking as a Prankster who recognizes a kindred spirit in Rotom, I’m not sure that’d be such a great idea.
Well, that’s true, so of course you’d have to make sure your Rotom really loves you. And possibly get one with a Serious nature.
Yes. I know. Suicune is a Legendary. But it’s been one of the easiest to catch for a while, and it’s the only one I own a competitive specimen of, so allow me this one. I really could not find any other Pokémon that does what Suicune does, which is exactly the last few things this team needs.
Which would be?
Well, Charizard can fly me around, but Suicune provides extremely fast ground-level transportation. If Pokémon are zombies, too, there will be plenty of flying ones, which means you wouldn’t always be able to fly around on Charizard’s back. Suicune is also extremely resilient and can take hits and run for days. But that’s not its most relevant contribution yet.
Come on, this fake suspense thing is getting old.
All right. We have all kinds of transportation, power, a lookout, several ways of attacking and running away, a healer, two different sources of food… what are we missing?
Oh, of course. Water.
Yup! Even assuming you can’t drink water produced by a Pokémon’s attacks, Suicune’s main thing is that it finds and purifies water. Which, in an apocalyptic scenario, is absolutely priceless. You can’t go without water for very long, and hey, getting clean now and then would probably be a good idea in a world affected by a disease. So you find a lake, Suicune purifies it, you drink, you take a bath, Suicune does its thing again, and you’re golden for as long as you can camp there.
Looking back… this team is two thirds Gen 1. Which makes one wonder what was going through Satoshi Tajiri and Ken Sugimori’s heads when they were creating the first Pokémon. Also, I used some pretty rare Pokémon, but what can I say. I own this shirt.
Anyway, what did you think about my team? What would your own be? I’d like to play a game with you all: when Snag posts his own article tomorrow on Anything Goes, read it, then comment each of our picks with a vote (1-10) about how useful you think that Pokémon would be. Let’s see who wins the “who’d have a better chance of surviving a zombie apocalypse” game!
Until next time,
The Fluffiest Whimsicott