Welcome to Issue #1 of Zcron’s Random Tutorials for Pocket Monster Success, where I will provide insight on how YOU can be successful in the wide world of Pokemon ranging from battling to role-playing. For the first issue, we will be discussing how YOU can be an evil team boss.

How to Start Your Own Evil Team: A 5 Step Guide

STEP 1: WHAT YOU DOIN

The first and most important step of founding your very own evil team is finding out what exactly you’re trying to accomplish. And really, nothing is off-limits here. For goodness sake, one of your fellow team leaders tried to drown the land. I mean, to be fair, Archie had political incentive, but it seems kind of contradictory to be drowning your voters’ homes. ANYWAY, nothing is off-limits here. You could even try to restart the world in your own image like that Cyrus guy.

It. Is. Not. My Business.

All I’m saying is that you should probably take into consideration the risks of your ambitions and plan ahead for them adequately so you don’t get trapped in the Distortion World. It’s sort of a cost/benefit situation with a high risk/high reward thing going down.

STEP 2: THE MANPOWER

It’s not exactly rocket science to know that freezing the entirety of Unova takes manpower, and a whole lot of it. Honestly, you can’t really get enough of it, as long as you can incentivize these grunts to work for you, you’re good. Generally, money is the preferred option, but you could always follow the Lysandre model and offer them a place in your utopia after you vaporize everyone else. EITHER OPTION WORKS. NO JUDGEMENT HERE. The most common way of supporting your grunts’ livelihoods is of course money. Why do you think so many of these team leaders are either members of the aristocracy or large company owners? If you don’t want to be paying out of pocket, however, you’re probably going to want to put your labor force to work and make some money that way. Team Rocket has made millions off of stealing Pikachus alone, Team Magma and Team Galactic had their own energy companies paying the bills for goodness sake. As I like to say, if you got the cash flow, you’re ready to go.

My recommendation with the grunt hiring process is not to be too overly selective. Most of these people are probably deadbeats who couldn’t make it as a typical trainer. Wave a company Pokemon in front of their noses in exchange for a 5 year contract and the obligation of buying time against 10 year olds who raid your base and you got yourself a minimum wage employee.

STEP 3: THE UNIFORM

In the criminal enterprise, how you dress says a lot about you. On one end of the spectrum you have Team Rocket and their functional black jumpsuits and tunics to better burgle with, and on the other you have Team Flare and their orange suits and wigs. Again, nothing really off-limits. Really depends on if you’re trying to get away with crime, fit with a theme, or are just really really interested in medieval costumes. Uniforms are important for any team because they both provide a sense of solidarity as a a “team” and prevent your grunts from attacking their coworkers.

STEP 4: THE ADMINISTRATION

Let’s not kid ourselves, dealing with all of your peons and grunts by yourself is below you. That’s why you need Admins to manage your labor force and various projects. When it comes to Admins, I highly recommend the Team Cipher model. Greevil was quite good at managing his team due to excellent task assignment. He knew exactly what he was trying to accomplish (world domination) and he partitioned his admins into three groups. Lovrina, a scientist to perfect his Shadow Pokemon plan; Snattle, a government official who could maintain the team’s will in Greevil’s absence; and Gorigan, the Shadow Pokemon factory head. Below each of these admins were “yellow-scarfed team-leaders” who could further partition the task forces. Alternatively, you can simply promote your best-performing grunts as seen fit, though it is absolutely essential that your Admins be better battlers than the rest of your grunts in order to maintain discipline and the hierarchy.

STEP 5: THE MEANS

In order to grow your power as a team, you’re going to want to have one or some legendary Pokemon under your belt. Though this isn’t exactly easy, especially when operating in a region with a Pokemon League. You’ll almost always get rambunctious trainers up in your grill. This is why I always recommend to my clients, lock your facility doors and don’t give the keys to grunts. Never works out. Passwords too. Really just a bad idea. Your weaker grunts probably can’t keep out professional battlers, but you’d really be surprised by the amount of work a locked door can do.

Anyway, if you wanna catch a legendary Pokemon, you’re probably going to want a Master Ball. Crafting one of these rarities takes years of dedicated craftsmanship with a single-minded goal and often take years to develop, while only taking about 5 seconds for someone to accidentally throw at an Abra. Trust me, we’ve all been there. Regardless, if you don’t have the funds, you might want to try stealing one from your local Poke Ball maker. Surprisingly common and successful tactic given the sheer lack of security of these corporations.

CONCLUSION

Well, hopefully this handy-dandy guide has helped you realize your iniquitous ambitions. Truth be told, be edgy and angry enough and you’ll probably make a great team leader! But not too edgy and angry, else you end up like this guy.

Don’t be like Team Skull. Just. Don’t.